This year I may better practice what I preach
Just like the title say, I might just do it. It is better to give than receive. I always believed this. I love making people happy but I rarely excluded me. I always gave myself nice gifts. This year what I want is out of reach, I can’t give it to myself and nobody is going to give it to me. I will be happy if I can make a few people happy. My Dad, My Mom and My First Wife all died in December. It is hard to be Cheery for the Holidays.
I want so much for Christmas to be gifted hope. I feel hopeless, so hopeless that no material gift will bring cheer. I feel like getting drunk and staying drunk until February, maybe until Mardi Gras, which is probably cancelled this year. I don’t even know what to give friends and family to make them happy. I am lucky, healthy, but not happy. Jesus can go pound sand. There is no redemption only endless purgatory.
I will give gifts, nice gifts, maybe someone will be happy or at least a little less sad.
I lost a co-worker over Thanksgiving, I have a funeral to attend the end of the week. No cause of death has been offered. I fear it was suicide. We are a small company, we often think of ourselves as a family. It is falling apart.
I understand there is no peace just constant struggle and I don’t mind fighting the good fight but victory is not even in the cards. We could lose but we can’t win. The best outcome is to live to fight another day, week, month, year, decade and maybe some will carry the fight into another century. My Mother’s oldest sister who outlived most of her siblings would pray to God to come take her away. She wanted God to end her struggle and eventually God did, eventually. Eventually we all get a respite from the struggle.
I find no joy in births, just sadness for what they face. I get brief joy when some decimated part of our ecosystem is restored only to be decimated myself when I admit that someone is killing it at twice the pace of the restoration.
The joy of harvesting the vegetables in our garden is trashed by the knowledge that is nothing more than a token gesture. I can’t celebrate the birth of the Christ Child even if I believed he was the true son of God. What is the point of being saved if the Earth is to become a trash heap.
I often said I feel so better now that I have given up hope but I have not given up. I just say that so that I don’t have to hurt so bad. It feels so good to cry, to still care but it also hurts too bad. I blame you, most all of you. We all but the babes have sown this evil and generations ahead will reap the poisoned harvest. Mostly I blame myself and I am still going to give people stuff. Why, because I can’t give them anything else that will make them happy.
Someone should be happy. Happy Holidays.
TEK
